I cry in the shower

Dear God, this is the longest Sunday ever. We woke up to learnt that one of Woody’s friend gave birth. Visited her in hospital and I love this friend and felt so happy for her.

There we met his other friend who wheeled in her 1 month old twin boys. Then another friend who is newly pregnant came in and ask me to carry her daughter since she cannot. And another friend we used to play tennis with came in almost full term.

Every women in the room was pregnant or just gave birth. Except me. And everyone assume I am the infertile woman who chased so much after her career now she is cursed.

My heart just cried and cried. Father in heaven you know how much I would give up for my child, my husband and my family. You know I am not the materialistic power-hungry woman every of Woody’s friend think I am.

I breaks my heart so much to know I may never have a child of my own. And be the one blamed for it.

This afternoon, I asked Woody to go for a second opinion and get another urologist. But he went on to take out all his past semen analysis and go item by item to tell me he is not such a bad case after all. When the problem is there, why are we hiding and wasting time. And time is against us as we grow older year after year.

I hate Woody suddenly. I hate the ostrich he always is. And he does not know how much pain he is putting me through. He doesn’t know how much he is denying me. And my heart aches because I love him but he never knows how much he has hurt me.

I felt disappointed so many times and I wonder what other challenges God is throwing at my marriage. I felt exhausted beyond words.

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Then we tried baby dance. Pre-ejaculations, total wrong place he is poking, leaking sperm that didn’t even got in. And I started to cry again. My eyes are swollen, with no more tears, my eyelids painful from all the crying and my heart fearful that I would never ever have my own child. Woody is snoring beside me after profuse apologies.

Maybe men think women are mad. What is the big deal whether there’s a baby or not. But I feel different. I feel cheated of my right to be a full woman. Why did he make me delay baby plan when he has so many symptoms of prostate and pre-ejaculation problem.

I feel depress and I wonder if this the start of the end. When I have always been plagued with ill fate, the last eight years looks too perfect. But maybe there is no such thing as escaping ill fate. Maybe God you only gave me a rest. But after the rest, my marriage is now in a mess. I have no kids and everyone blames me for infertility when I am hurting so bad. I don’t even know if Woody deliberately hide all these from me all these years.

Now turning back is as difficult as going forward.
I can only cry myself to sleep everyday.
And I don’t know if I can forgive.

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